Clinging To Sanity : Chapter 4

It’s a shit day, in a shit week, in a shit month, in an ultra shit year. What is there not to like or enjoy?

I figured it was time to toss off a quickie update for the thimbleful of readers that still bother to check this blog out as my postings seem to be becoming rarer. I will remind you that this blog and the Brickbat Enterprises website of which this is a part will cease to exist in January 2021 as there is no point in wasting any more money or time on this as hey, one is not being ALLOWED to be creative in the forms I like or wish and lets face it, Boris and his fuckheaded Government couldn’t care less about the fact that British creativity and entertainment is in ruins. It angers me that every time I hammer digits upon a keyboard Boris and all THAT shit is inescapable. I am hearing more mutterings of “this has gone on too long” or “what the fuck is this REALLY about?” which is good as more people are starting to ask questions about this whole stinky business. For instance, the other day Matt Hancock claimed that the virus doesn’t spread in schools or at work, but spreads when people socialise. Oh really? I didn’t know a so-called virus could be so fucking intelligent. And if the virus doesn’t spread in schools and workplaces then why is everyone there being muzzled anyway? See what I mean? That’s just one of many examples of so-called “advice” and “information” that doesn’t add up as it confounds all known logic.

Problem is, not enough people engage their brains anymore so we keep sinking deeper into the shit. Why are we sitting back and letting this crap happen? A few hundred years ago, Boris and co would have been burnt at the stake.

I am not exaggerating when I declare that suffering 20 years of depression was easier to deal with than the shit we’re now suffering this year as at least when I was dosed up on meds, I didn’t give much of a toss as my feelings were suppressed. I cannot even begin to describe how I feel every damn time I encounter people who are muzzled. I will say I am feeling more isolated than I ever have been as on the rare occasions when I do get to talk with people, when they’re muzzled I barely understand a word of what they’re saying. You know, I DEPEND on LIP READING in order to communicate. Without it, I am fucked.

Not that anyone could give a flying toss about that.

September has been fucking awful. For the first time in years I began suffering bad anxiety, zero confidence and suffered a panic attack in public which came as a huge shock. The cumulative effect of the evil INSANITY of 2020 was finally starting to show. What didn’t help was taking on a lot of overtime at work which meant my spare time was limited and I had some heavy business to attend to which added more to the strain. This led me to having to resign from a project I’d been working on for a year which was a painful decision and more so to implement but the project had been riddled with countless problems and every piece of news relating to it just sank my spirits ever lower so I had to let it go. I still haven’t fully digested what’s happened there because I’ve been working almost nonstop. The same with the death of Diana Rigg which came the day before the resignation. Sure, it’s good news for my bank balance but less so for my overall wellbeing. The fact there is no relief from the insanity makes matters worse. Oh, how I miss hanging out with pals, eating poached eggs on toast in my fave cafe, popping to gigs or the theatre… all the tiny simple things that made life pleasurable have been taken away. OF COURSE I know I can still go to the cafe but I refuse to divulge my “contact details” to anybody. I’ve always been private and cautious with my personal information. Unlike too many, I don’t have that much of an ego to broadcast my daily life and thoughts on Farcebook and Twatter and if I did, I’m sure I would have been censored by now and that my followers list would be as large as the Wendy James Fan Club membership.

Yes. I am finding life increasingly difficult to cope with. My job gives me much needed grounding and income but there are times during 12 hour shifts when I wonder to myself if it’s all worth it since I’m not really enjoying the fruits of my labours anymore as food, rent and bills apart, I’ve nothing to spend my earnings on.

The aforementioned panic attack took place at an odd time and place and witnessed by a small group of people and all I will say about that was it was something related to future happenings which at heart I support but feel as the muzzles and “rules” get tightened is something I’m not gonna be able to be any part of. I have also become acutely aware of the “cliques” here as myself and one of my closest friends who put a lot of time and energy into a certain project early this year have effectively been pushed out as it’s been hijacked by one of the clique groups to which we don’t belong who have zero respect for our talents because they can’t relate to our chosen artforms. It almost feels like being back at college where I was a music student. It was depressing because in that college you had three factions – music students, art students and drama students. It disappointed me that in spite of us all being creative, the art students thought the rest of us were scum… none of the factions got along with each other and this now feels the case again here in 2020. Because I “endorse” or “participate” with certain people, the rest disown you and even then, the ones you do support end up pushing you out anyway. It’s nothing new to me and is why I’ve followed my own lonesome path throughout life but in this time where we’re suffering genuine hardship and misery the fact the divisions are growing ever wider should come as no surprise but I still can’t help but feel pissed off. Nice to be the eternal outcast. There is strength in unity but very few seem to believe that anymore which is why we keep sinking deeper into the shit and let Boris and his maniac chums keep pissing all over us.

Yeah, we’re rambling and ranting again which is another strong reason why this Brickbat thing is coming to a close. Too much negativity in the air and it’s poisoning me.

Enough. See you next time.

 

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